someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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