She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize