im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
