Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
