There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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