Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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