At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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