I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
