im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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