I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
