Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
