I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize