I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
