I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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