I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
