I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
