Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
