Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
