walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
