I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
