I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Randomize
