Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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