dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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