why didn't you poke me back
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
