All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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