DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
