i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
