you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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