From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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