He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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