Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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