My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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