What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
