I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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