It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
