Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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