mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
