THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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