You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
