Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
