John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
ok first of all what the fuck
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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