I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
