I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
