M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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