I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
