At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize