well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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