I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
