you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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