woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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