Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid