I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
21 Guys Share Their Insane Stripper Stories
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
27 Reasons Why Men Need To Moan More During Sex
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.