Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
