nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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