There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
