this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
