Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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